Our Flame

There is a flame.

It exists in every single one of us.

It represents who we are.

No two flames are alike.

Some are more easily seen.

More vibrant.

Some flicker too fast for our eyes to pick up on.

Some are orange.

Some, yellow.

Maybe even blue.

What makes these flames so magnificent is the fact that they will always stay lit.

Until the body that holds the flame works no more.

It acts as a vital sign.

When the flame becomes so dim, and the body that holds it so weak, we know that soon it will be almost as if a drop of water consumed the flame, until it was no more.

In our lives, we see so many flames, whether they are big or small, bright or dim.

What all of our flames have in common is the fact that they are us.

We spend our lives trying to look in the mirror and see our flame.

We tend to disregard everyone else's flame until something drastic catches our self-absorbed attention, whether it good or bad.

As humans, we see death and life, wealth and poverty, gluttony and hunger.

But, what is it that we do?

Not much.

At all.

We focus on our own selves too often to notice those around us, those that cry out for our help.

And what is it that happens?

Their flames eventually die out, like ours too will do.

But do we seem to care?

No, we do not.

But we should, should we not?

Yes.

We could feed our flame, discover who we are, by exploring the unknown, helping the helpless, and remembering those whose flames have died down.

Instead, we just continue to decay and waste away while we focus on our own selves, clueless as to the fact that at any given moment, we too may have our flames extinguished.

And Life Rolls On...

Sometimes in our lives, we tend to say things that we don't mean.

Or even mean things that we don't say.

We end up regretting these things that we say, because we feel bad about it.

Sometimes, it takes someone else to call us on our comments and opinions before we realized that we were in the wrong.

I do this quite often.

I offend people at times.

And, people offend me.

But that is how life works.

And, life, my dears, will continue rolling on, whether you want it to or not.

We all make mistakes.

So?

If we apologize for what we say or do, shouldn't we be forgiven?

Most of the time, the answer is yes.

Sometimes, though, it is no.

I ask for forgiveness for what I said, out of anger, in a time of pure frustration and agitation.

Do I get forgiven?

I don't know, yet. I'll have to wait and find out.

In my mind, though. I should be forgiven.

Win or lose, I love my team.

Even if, out of frustration, I say otherwise.

Roll Tide.

True Friends

Many things have happened recently, that have allowed me the privilege of finding out who my true friends are.

A great definition of a true friend, to me atleast, is:

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

I don't feel as though I need to explain anything.

Think about that quote.

It is true.

Very true.

And, lately, people I thought were my 'true' friends have fallen off the face of the Earth, because they've walked so far out.

And, for those people, I wonder why I even bothered to waste time being your friend.

And, then there are some who are wandering away.

Some wander faster than others, but they still wander.

And, for those people, I wonder why I believed you when you called yourself my friend.

And, then there are those who stand by me, and support me.

Those who are walking in, as close as they can, and telling me that they're never going to wander.

For those people: Thank you. You are a TRUE FRIEND.

Three Word Phrase

I love you.

Those should be the three most beautiful words to the human language, and the single-most beautiful phrase.

Those three words are meant to be spoken when what they mean is actually how they are being used.

I love you.

It's different than:

Love you. Ily. Ilu. Love ya. Loverrs you. I loverrs you.

I love you.

You say it when you care the world for someone, plus more.

You say it when, no matter what, you never want to lose the person you say it to.

You say it, most of all, when you mean it.

I find it impossible to 'fall out of love'.

It can't be possible.

Once you love someone, no matter what, a part of your heart still will love them, no matter how bad they might screw you over.

It just isn't possible.

If you think it is, then don't tell someone you love them, because you obviously never did.

I get irritated when people say I love you to others, and you know that they don't mean it.

It's as if the person saying it just says it to the recipient to make them feel good about themselves.

I say I love you when I truly mean it.

Why can't everyone else?

The point is that over time, those three words have lost their meaning.

They no longer mean what they mean.

They are overused and abused.

I firmly believe that people must 'earn' your love.

I don't just go up to a friend of mine and say I love you, especially if I know that I don't mean it.

When I tell my friends I love you, I mean what I say.

In my eyes, they have done everything and anything to earn the privilege of hearing those words.

So, why can't everyone else just say it when they mean it?

I don't know why I blogged about this, but I did.

I have never experienced 'love'.

I can't remember the last time I had a friend tell me that they love me, and I actually truly believed it.

And, I can't speak about this from a relationship angle, because I've never been in one.

I've never been able to have the chance of falling in love with someone, because no one has given it to me.

So, the only thing that makes sense as to why I did blog about this is:

If you don't mean what you say, then don't say it, at all.

Reevaluation

As I find myself transitioning from a junior in high school, to a senior, I also find myself longing for those days when I had not a care in the world.

Those days were truly the best days of my life.

So many times, we forget about where we come from, how we were raised, and what we were taught.

And, we find ourselves needing to reevaluate how we look at life.

I see it, right now, as something that I must go through.

Something that never goes according to plan.

Something that I wish was way better.

But, in all reality, I only need to reevaluate.

Life is full of time.

Time to love.

Time to be a friend, and to have them.

Time to learn.

Time to experience.

Our lives are short; not meant to be long.

That is why time flies.

It flies by so fast.

Faster than you can imagine.

That is why I am reevaluating my outlook on life and time.

I am realizing that the more time I spend surrounded by those that I love and care about, the longer my life becomes.

Even though time continues at the same pace.

The Breaking Point

That moment.

The one that we all dread.

The moment when we realize that our dreams are only just a dream, and that is all that they will ever be.

We find ourselves lost, if only temporarily, because we understand that we must let go of our dreams. Even, if we don't want to let them go.

We tend to wait it out, see if something will give us hope once again, but typically, nothing does.

So, we try to let go. And sometimes, we fail, epically, but we still try.

I've had many of these breaking points in my life, such as now.

I realize that this dream, that I have clutched for so long, is only a dream.

A fabrication of my imagination, that longs for something more.

For what, I do not know. But, something.

So, even though I would love to let it go, forever, there is something, that continues to bind me to my dream.

Sometimes, I wish that some magical pair of scissors will fall from the sky, and cut the thread that attaches me to my impossible dream.

But, it never happens.

I have come to realize, that time is the equivalent to the magical scissors.

Time is what continues on, never ceasing for you to fix mistakes.

Time is what will eventually cut that thread that binds me to pain.

The pain of knowing that my dream, is only a dream.

Seek Them Out

In our lives, we find ourselves continuously searching for the answers to so many of life's questions.

What we do not realize is that our choices constantly take affect on the answers that we seek.

The answers we choose to look for, are never to be found, because they aren't meant to be found.

A soul can search for the answers to the question of how to heal its pain, but none will be discovered.

A person can seek out the answers to whether or not they are truly in love, but that, too, will leave them turning up with empty hands.

We get so caught up in panic of not knowing what the answers to our questions are, that we forget that we learn as we go.

An answer isn't going to fall out of the sky, smack you on the head, and make you fall. It's going to take choices that you, yourself make, to end up being able to see those answers.

The mistakes that we make affect our future.

Our choices help to bring the answers to the surface.

So, make mistakes, learn from them, and see how that helps you see the answers.

Seek out the answers.

Reached That Moment

And I reached that moment....

Long ago.

I have grown weary of chasing after unattainable dreams, and people that only seem to bring you pain, rather than happiness.

These kinds of things only makes one waste their life.

I'm tired of bringing pain and hurt into my heart, to only have to silently suffer, while everyone else looks on, thinking that I'm the happiest person alive.

When, in all reality, I'm the furtherest thing from it.

That's when my 'mask' is my best assest.

The thing that keeps my true feelings hidden from the terrible grasp of the world.

So, being that I have reached that moment...

Or, so I did at one time...

I have realized that it is entirely possible to lose track of that discovery, and once again allow the old pain-causing people and things bother you again.

It is NOT pleasant.

So, I'm searching for that moment again. And, I'm hoping that I find it pretty dang soon.

Suffering sucks.

Fallen Angels

There are those people, that we come across in life, that we all seem to believe are angels, that have fallen from Heaven, to help better the world, somehow.

More often than we may realize, we are provided the opportunity to be one of these types of people.

We often take for granted, the fact that we surround ourselves with people whom we love and care about.

We forget to reach out and touch other people's lives, through love.

Whenever we see someone in need, as humans, our instinct is to ignore them, and keep pushing forward.

But, so many times in our lives, we stumble, and expect to be helped up by these so called 'fallen angels'.

What's the issue?

We expect things from others that we cannot find in ourselves.

I encourage you to be like a fallen angel, and reach out to those in need around you, and let them see what it feels like to encounter a 'fallen angel'.

You never know when you may need that angel's help.

Take Action

Courage is not something that you are born with.

Courage is not inherited.

Courage is not a present tied up with pretty ribbons.

Courage is not able to be purchased.

Courage is not something that a teacher can teach you in a classroom.

Courage is found within your heart.

It is there to help you face the unknown, say something you could have never pictured yourself saying, and to do something you might not have ever done.

It can be found in many places.

It can be found in a small child, reciting their ABCs infront of the class.

It can be found in a teenage boy, putting his helmet on his head, as he takes the football field.

It can be found in a teacher, teaching a class.

It can be found in people that live in countries where Christianity is forbidden, but yet they choose to practice it.

But, most importantly, it can be found inside of your heart.

Yes, that is right.

Inside of your heart.

Embarking on a journey can seem scary, but if you search inside of your heart, somewhere there is the courage to take action, and begin that journey.

Don't talk yourself out of doing or saying whatever it is that you may want to do or say, but don't have the courage to.

Just seek out that courage, and don't let go of it once you find it.

Use it, and don't hide it again without doing so.

You never know what could have happened, had you had the courage to go on with whatever it was.

I often times wish that I'd have had the courage to do a lot of things, but I never had anyone tell me how to find my courage.

I'm finding it, now, little by little.

Although it may seem like a very slow process, it is definitely worth my while.

Because, without courage, I may never have been able to do some of the things I have done in the past year of my life.

And, what I'm going to do within the next years to come.

The Unbalancing Things

Many things in life unbalance us.

Some things are left to be unsaid.

Some things are hard to understand.

Some things occur to teach a lesson.

Some things just happen, and have no explanation.

Whether or not we choose to accept it, is up to us.

There is a saying that goes something like:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I like that. A lot.

It is so true.

Many things, we wish we could change, but cannot.

But, the things we can change are often pushed to the side, so that we can continue trying to change what can't be undone.

And the wisdom to see the difference between the two, is often no where inside of our minds.

Some things recently happened in the lives of those around me, that cannot be understood as easily as one would like.

Right now, their lives are unbalanced, and pained.

Broken, and sorrowed.

And there lies what no one can change.

No one can change what cannot be undone.

Those that I care about cannot be healed of their pain at my command.

It takes time.

But, as humans, we all see things differently.

We take it upon ourselves to attempt to heal the wounds of our loved ones, when we cannot.

We often find ourselves becoming frustrated when our efforts do not work.

But, we still don't give in.

So, why not turn that saying up there, into a prayer?

It will work. Trust in God, with all your heart, and it will.

The ones we care for, and cannot help, we can only let time and the presence of God help.

That is the only way that their lives will ever become fully balanced again.

To my hurting friends, whom I cherish:

I love you, with all of my heart. I'm here for you, always. Please don't ever forget it.

Happiness

Those moments of utter happiness are what we live for.

To feel that knotted feeling in our stomachs, that can only be brought on by happiness.

These types of moments are hard to come by, and when you do come across one, you don't ever want it to end.

These moments make us delusional, from how high on life we become.

I'd like to just once in my life be able to determine how to bring about one of these moments, but I will never figure it out.

It's a pure chance.

Finding these moments are what we strive to do.

To forget about our day-to-day lives, and to forget about the sorrows of the world, just for that one moment of true happiness.

I find myself wishing for these moments more and more, each and every day.

I wish for a lot of things, but they never come true.

But yet, I never give up.

Maybe the issue is the intent of the wish.

So...

Here's to the moments of complete happiness.

The ones that you never find that often.

The ones that I've only experienced a couple of times.

And to the ones that I wish to happen, but never do:

Screw you.

Abyss of Emptiness

Those times of complete loneliness are when we are the most vulnerable.

Moments of utter abandonment.

Silence.

Emptiness.

Those are the times when we long for those that aren't there. Or even those that are physically there, but not mentally.

I have these moments frequently.

Especially ever since my best friend went off to college.

There are times in our life when we feel as though no one cares. As though no one is there.

When, in all reality, someone is.

God.

He's a great guy. I hope you know him.

So often we go through a tough time and need that shoulder to lean on, and that person to just listen. But so often, they aren't there.

We feel as though we are surrounded by an abyss of emptiness.

We can't find that person that we need to make us feel better. Alive, if you will.

To help us make the pain go away.

So, I ask you this:

If you think you are alone, why not ask God to be your comforter?

As The Days Go By

I like that quote. It's great.

But, unfortunately, it is true.

Growing older is mandatory.

The class of 2010's senior play, tonight, brought about this entry.

Some of my closest friends are graduating this year!

It's crazy.

So, I thought about some stuff tonight.

We all get older. Every second.

Life goes on.

The days of our lives go by oh so quickly, and it's amazing how no matter how much we may try, we never fully fufill our hopes and dreams.

As the days go by, I wish that I was back in time, starting kindergarten.

Or learning to ride a bike.

Things that you do once in your life, and never get back.

The kind of things that you wish you could do again and again.

We typically fear getting older, and I know I do.

I am scared of facing the real world. It's a cold place, especially when you're out there all alone, on your own.

So, I don't know why it is we can't go back and relive our childhoods, but if we could. I'd relive mine constantly, and never grow older.

But then I have to think.

If I never grew older, I would have never done all the things that I have done, or met all the people that I have met.

It's amazing how something that seems so good can be so deceptive and bad.

I guess in closing I'll ask this:

If you had the option of reliving your childhood for the rest of forever, or growing older, which would you choose? Why?

Chance the Leap

You know those people that prance into your life, and you don't know anything about? The ones that you end up falling for? Yeah, those. They are the worst.

These are the kinds of people that you either start off disliking, or immediately liking. They are also the ones that, over time, either grow on you or annoy the living daylights out of you. These are the kinds of people that I am scared to meet.

Why?

Because most of the time, if I do fall for one, they don't catch me, and I have to pick myself back up, and wait for the next cliff to come, that I fall off of.

It hurts. Plain and simple.

There is always that one person that you wish you could tell your feelings to, but then can't.

And why is that?

It's because you are afraid to go to the extreme, and leap off the cliff.

Falling is scary, but so is leaping.

There is someone that I should have said something to long before, but never did. I was scared of how hard the ground below would be, so that's why I fell.

I got back up, and moved on to the next cliff.

It was a different cliff.

But, now I'm back at that first cliff.

I'm debating over whether or not I should leap, or fall.

I am thinking that leaping is a big chance, and an even bigger risk.

The scary part of leaping isn't the initial jump or the free fall.

It's the fear of the unknown.

The unknown is not knowing whether or not that certain person will be at the bottom, to catch you, or if they will be at the bottom, and move out of your way, so as to watch you hit the ground. Hard.

And that's where I am now.

I'm afraid to leap. I'm afraid of the unknown.

So, I guess that when people say, "Before you fall for someone, be sure that they are ready to catch you," they don't mean it.

There is no way in knowing what the unknown holds. That is why it is called the unknown.

So, I guess that the unknown awaits me.

Because when I feel the time is right, I'm taking the leap.